Wednesday, October 2, 2019

WEEDventure # 1 : Pineapple Express and a Brazillian Wax

Yes, you read that correctly. Although I have stockpiled some experiences in the past few months, I felt that this WEEDventure is a very important place to begin.

Strain: Pineapple Express (Sativa)
Activity: Brazillian Wax
Hypothesis: Cannabis has pain-relieving properties; therefore, smoking a joint before a brazillian wax should alleviate any soreness.

I got my first brazillian wax at the age of 30, after being reassured by a friend that this particular salon did it in  approximately 7 minutes. I had always been afraid of subjecting myself to the pain of waxing (I have quite sensitive skin), but 7 minutes? That, I thought, I can handle. So I began waxing regularly, and it really wasn't that bad. 

Fast forward a few years, and waxing is now old hat. There's little soreness; but I found myself wondering...maybe the experience can be improved if I smoke a J first! 

So, as I walk down to the salon I spark up a .5g joint of the friend we all know, Pineapple Express (a roughly 17% Sativa in this case). The strain was not premeditated; it is simply what was on the rolling tray as I was leaving the house- more on this later. 

My timing was impeccable; I arrived at the door as I finished the J, and walked into the waiting lounge. I love this lounge; it is down a set of stairs, inoffensively lit, serene music gliding through the air; but the best parts are the tropical fish tanks lining the walls, displaying an impressive array of brightly coloured sea-life. 

I waft into this space, feeling my high like a butterfly feels the breeze. I pause briefly to freshen up before I am ushered into the waxing room by my girl Friday (her name is actually Jenna; that is a reference to a really, really old movie that you should probably watch). I did my usual little strip down to Donald-Duck attire (a bottomless bottom, not the sailor top) and laid out on the table as we chit-chatted. Thing is, my relaxed-butterfly feeling was waning, and I felt uncomfortably exposed now.

"So I smoked a doobie on my way here. That should make this better, right?" 

"...Dude." With a slow shake of her head, she began applying herself to her task. 

Oh, I knew in an instant what she meant. You know how when you get stoned, and you feel like time is just crawling by? Well, in that couple seconds between laying the strip onto the hot wax and the tearing away of the hair, I lived a lifetime. I saw my future laid out before me, and that future was 100% comprised of hair removal. I have never before had the opportunity to really contemplate what was about to come; but let me tell you, the thought of it, the anticipation of it, was far worse than any potential pain relief that cannabis provides. 

...then she tells me to turn over. 

I don't know what it is, but lying nude from the waist down on your back is not nearly so anxiety-inducing as bellying down. If I had to guess, I'd say that being in the appropriate position for a decidedly un-sexy spanking had something to do with it (to be clear, there was no spanking). When she was done (8 minutes, tsk), I thanked Jenna for her speed and accuracy, and minced my way out of the salon.

I should also be clear in that the soreness (once my 7 minutes in Hell was over) did dissipate far more quickly than is usual. However, that is not the relief I thought that I was setting myself up for, and certainly not what I needed! 

The Verdict: I did not enjoy getting a wax while high. The reasons are twofold; I believe that I set myself up for failure by taking on a Sativa before this activity, as my senses were heightened, and I was more aware of sensations, not less! I believe an indica would have an altogether different effect, though to be honest, I am wary of trying it at this point. I do not believe my Donald-Ducking anxiety will be sufficiently reduced for me to belly-down on an indica. The other sticking point remains that time crawls when you're stoned, which means that you have an unpleasant amount of time to contemplate the oncoming pain. I don't see this changing with a different strain.

Recommendation: I do not advise getting waxed while high. But, if you do, join team INDICA.

Do you have something you'd like me to try stoned? Let me know in the comments!!