Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Pregnancy and FOMO

Since reducing my cannabis consumption to the bare minimum (ie- purely medicinal), much has changed in the industry that I have had to abstain from. I have watched from the outside as edibles came to market, but have yet to partake because of my own individual physiology (edibles make my heart race, which is not good for baby). Same goes for concentrates; I see people freely enjoying shatter and rosin that were previously quite niche and shrouded in mystery, discovering the world of flavour that I myself had only just dipped my toe into (and was frankly enjoying!). I miss rolling joints; I miss sharing them along with coffee and conversation.

Then Vs. Now

As I look longingly at all the newfangled offerings available to Canadian consumers since late 2019, I have been feeling (for the first time since my early 20's) a certain sense of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). Sure, pregnancy offers its own unique set of experiences; some awe-inspiring...some significantly less so- but this time in my life often feels like a 'gap year'. I don't worry overly about my physique; I know I've bounced back from far worse states, and I actually relish the hard work ahead of me to regain my strength and mobility.

However, after feeling like my personal growth was suspended for 3 years due to the disruptive effects of being unnecessarily medicated, in 2019 I had found myself eagerly attacking new experiences- only to have that brought to a screeching halt once again. My love of kayaking is a good example; I'd only just rediscovered my passion for it, and must now face the fact that by the time the ice recedes, I will no longer fit in my kayak, let alone be able to carry or paddle it properly.

I've also spent the winter sitting in various chalets, watching my daughter learn to ski with my husband, brother, and father- when I would have greatly preferred to be out there with them! Suffice to say, the last 6 months have been teaching me patience, and were mainly focused on introspection.

By no means do I resent my pregnancy, despite its challenges; when I was being medicated, my psychiatrist at the time told me to forget about having more children. She was of the opinion that I would never be able to handle the pressures of growing and mothering an infant again, and most of the medications she prescribed me were dangerous to a fetus anyway. At the time, my husband and I were devastated. It took years before either one of us could accept that our family was capped at 3. The guilt that weighed on me during that time, knowing what an incredible father my husband is, knowing how badly my daughter wanted to be a 'big sister' to someone- it was my fault, and was excruciating

My forthcoming baby boy is truly the best kind of gift- the kind that you never thought you would get. I roll my eyes at my cumbersome shape, but I'd not trade this waddling gait; or the 17 weeks of vomiting; or the inability to try Legalization 2.0 products; for anything. Besides, I've been granted the perfect opportunity to reflect, assess, and plan out my trajectory post-pregnancy! With that in mind, I've created two lists to sustain me;
  • Products / Events to Try (in the cannabis space), and;
  • Activities to Try (with/without cannabis)

Yes, I will miss the "420 for a whole month" thing. This will never come again, and I've resigned myself to that (I call this UTMO- "Used to Missing Out")! I will, however, have the opportunity to systematically reengage in the cannabis sphere and have a fresh perspective from which to evaluate my new experiences- and really, does it get much better than that, for a writer? Perspective is everything- and every change in my own circumstances will enhance my ability to discuss the various facets of my experience.

FOMO, I've discovered, is just opportunity in disguise.

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